Tuesday, October 14, 2008


This was my favorite moment of the day. Probably one of my only positive moments, that is.

The thing with blogs is you, me, and everyone else only tells the good. "Look at this project. See what my child did. We traveled here and did this and that." I actually had this conversation with my cousin Amanda a couple months ago. We only let others see the positive.

What about Real Life?

Is everyone the perfect mother and enjoys every minute of the day, or is it just me that struggles?

Today ... I was done. I was done with it all. And that was by 8:30 this morning.

I am sure it is just because I have too much going on in my life, that I am stretched to the limit and worn down emotionally. I cry a lot.

Can I unload?

I teach 15 piano students. I am booked solid until mid-November for photo shoots. No free days. I can't keep my house clean. Ben is having a hard time listening and obeying. Reese is a grump because of her ears. I rarely go to bed before 1:00 a.m. and I am up by 6:30 to start my day. Add laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning and scrubbing, bathing, etc. etc. I am not stating anything that you don't know. It's hard work.

I am tired.

So, this was just my "getting real" and letting everyone know that I am not perfect. I suck, actually.

This morning, I was frustrated and crying as I was putting Ben's shoes on (that he refused to do himself - & we were running late to go to the doctor) and I told him I was tired of being the mom. Tonight at dinner, he got teary (now I am crying sitting here at my computer) and asked where he was going to go live. I was momentarily confused and asked what he meant. Well, it was from my comment this morning, nearly 12 hours before. My poor boy thought he was going to be shipped off somewhere else because I was done as a mother.

That breaks my heart.

Why do I have such a hard time? This is what I have always wanted - motherhood. I have so many things to be grateful for, and yet I struggle.

I actually didn't plan to unload. I was going to post this picture to help me to remember the positives. Instead, the world got an earful! I hope it makes you feel better about your life and what you have.


Sarah said...

Nat, even though I only see you through your blog, I know you well enough to KNOW you are an amazing mom. I think you are great at everything you do and you are more than welcome to unload and "be done" every once in a while. Cry all you want. :) You're doing a great job so I'm sure you get tired.

Leslie said...

Amen to all of it! We all (and you know I mean ALL) have those moments and days of wanting to clock out. When I am having a terrible day and am weepy, I am a different type of mom - if I can sit on the couch being sad, I am more likely to have Aidan bring me a book to read to him or talk with Brady & Drake about why it's ok to be sad sometimes and find out what makes them sad and just open up conversation. That is, of course, hard to do with places to go. I think it is ok for your kids to see you as human and having normal emotions. Hang in there honey, we have all been there before, and will be again! Hugs to you!!!!!

Leslie said...

and just because you have piano lessons on the calendar doesn't mean you actually have to follow through with every lesson, every day, every week! Do you have a recital at Abravenel Hall next week? No? Let yourself cancel once in a while! After riding Drake all the time to practice the piano, he would LOVE if his teacher cancelled once in a while!

sprmom said...

Natalie, you know you are not the only woman who wanted to be a mother until she actually had kids, right? No one told me it was going to be this hard either, I will be the first to admit that I do not LOVE being a mother. But I do take pride and satisfaction from the little things my kids do and from knowing that even though I am not perfecgt I am trying my hardest. And for heavens sake that is all he expects from us. Otherwise men would be the caregivers, scarry thought isn't it. And you do know you can always call me and unload anytime, and I mean it.

Suzanne said...

My friend, I had no idea when I saw you today!! I feel like an idiot! You already know that I have a lot of the same feelings and yup your right, sometimes we need to being honest on the blog and say "I feel terrible." Hang in there, and know that I will always listen to your vents and cry right along side with you! -Suzanne